this page contains anger
3rd of march
i'm angry rn like 11 year old boy who hates people and loves bombs i'm angry like calvin from calvin and hobbes comics. i hate it outside. i love people. i sometimes hate my friends for their stupidity and myself for being friends with them. i dont hate boys, every boy personaly, but i hate boysculture. i hate that most important people right now around me are men. i hate men who make movies besides david lynch. i hate photographer men. i hate men who talk about art, i hate ideal saint men who not part of the art scene and resentful for not getting the hoes like art dudes are. i love my angry 12 year old student though he never speaks about his anger anymore, he just quietly and politely angry. he though i never asked explicitly dont belive there is a way to collaborate with people, only family. even my close friends - who are they? my girl friends are gone over the world, my guy friends like to suck each other dicks and to circle jerk, i even became partialy a man to sit at the Table with them, when my girls flew war. I got lost. No man I know knows shit about loyalty. but most of all, that all this running around men, people made me forget how great it is to just draw and play by myself. i dont want to go outside anymore. my room is small and dark, i should just wait the cold out here. i can write some stories about people around, that way i will distance them far far away from me and hold on them forever4th of march
I want to push it all - i need to push all anger out before I write. First time I got angry today when I woke up - my window curtain roll got broken. I hate curtain rolls, I had many troubles with them in my another apartment. Jst curtains - I dont want even curtains, but I live only at second floor. I dont want so much stuff. Right now I live basically in a closet with my stuff. but its get warmer and soon it will get so warm that I could come back to my (windowless) art studio, spacious salon with a sofa! where i could breathe freely. And I know - the first thing I will do there - grab all the usless junk and stuff and throw it out.
Then, as I was repairing my curtain rolls my glasses kept falling and falling - I became vevn angrier as I remembered my ex not borrowing me money for a contact lenses - and my glasses are missing left part. I got so stupid this winter. I only posted online diary entries when I were in Vorohta, couple of years ago. Maybe I just need nature. I started to liten insects and birds recordings, instead of music.
9 of june
I did an experiment and cut off my social circle as much as possible. Anger take overs I suffer now rarely (sic). Don't want to look on down to earth, wanna look high in the sky. Feling crazy to take my authonomy back, not looking down. I feel evilish and when I'm not feeling criminal, I dream because people around me aren't not looking real. I cut off corrupted part of my body and it was my friend and I'm feeling emptynes. Want to don`t know many and much. As present for cutting myself out I got dream flashes remembrances a lot and it's scares me but I like it. I miss some people who not close to me now. i will go see my old friend in a day.I'm not anticipating my journey, I dread coming back home. I want to see one face every day to eat meat with bare hands with one who doesnt feel shame and says to me "don't be useful". I forget, sailing on a boat but peoples bodies so near with my mind so far away. its like school again, i anticipate adrenaline that goes with it and i will even forget my anger. I feel less of a sadnes, more of a surprise. So much less noise, still a lot.
the last angry post 7/09
I'm not angry anymore or at least I don't aspire to be angry anymore. I left my social circle in spring but it didn't left me, because a year ago I decided to live with it, to Become One with Collective. I decided I want to unbecome One with Collective when one of them burned my book about Collective. In it one of pedagoges asks another about meaning of the word collective, a commune - "I think sometimes that there is no collective, we just created and belived in spirit of it". The other teacher replyed to it " Ah, moodiness, the usual weakness of intelligents!". I try to not bother myself anymore, I have collective of real teachers, though its not an everything-accepting cult or sekt, I still believe in it - i believe in it because of that. I want to live in apartment now. I will miss the sea and safe planers out in the nature.
Forget anger. It's not a fuel of my dreams anymore - my dream which was fueled by anger came true most perversely. It's sticky, and I look at slimes everyday. Does it mean I am a slime too? Maybe I was but I can always decide to change.
Anger is reactive. It is a reaction to event that I don't like. If i see that event or person everyday, I feel anger everyday, I have no time to peace, to stop thinking, to forget myself and to be reborn. It dingles the whole transformation operation. So I ought to not react and to accept someones absurdist nihilist outlook to life and ways of living.
How to accept people who not only dont share mine igeals but dont have them at all, more correctly - their idea of life that it have no meaning and you should laugh when fire starting, when bomb falls, when person dies. Okay, you will not accept those people, who corrupt the ever so tender and breakable illusions and meanings you gathered and hided and cherished and corrupted very well by yourself. You very well can and should detest them and call them The Bad Ones. But - oh no- the Bad One hold hands and share dinners with So Called Good One Who Do Charity and show signs of humanity when someone dies. Should I detest them too, split on them too? Yes, I decided, oh collective! You are dirty dirty dirty multiheaded creature. This is what I need to accept. I can drop the nice act now. I recieved all the blessings for it. I switch my anger for shamelesness.
To decide not to react anymore and accept corrupted world as it is. Leave the corruption go to it's core. Uncorrupt myself, isolate. Responsability only to closest and truest forms of life. It looks like a psycosis to decide I am adult and I Announce This Respected Organisation Of People Laughable and do not debate with them any longer. But I, am adult? I can do that? Feels so psychotic. Drops so many questions, so much weight.
What to do next, in time spared of anger? Grow horns. Cherish my hornes, polish it, make it spikey, beautiful and dangerous. Remember who advised me on growing them long time ago. Dream that future will be. Dream the way I want it to be, aim high. Unlearn practicality, leave dabbling in dirt to slimes. Learn bird, undone a bird metaphor, banal, oldest. Hard times, the hardest. The sky and sea are limitless to the eye. Hardest time needs highest flight. Do not forget you have free will, two crafty hands, two strong legs. One set of bones can make, another - move. Move and make.