this page contains anger
3rd of march
i'm angry rn like 11 year old boy who hates people and loves bombs i'm angry like calvin from calvin and hobbes comics. i hate it outside. i love people. i sometimes hate my friends for their stupidity and myself for being friends with them. i dont hate boys, every boy personaly, but i hate boysculture. i hate that most important people right now around me are men. i hate men who make movies besides david lynch. i hate photographer men. i hate men who talk about art, i hate ideal saint men who not part of the art scene and resentful for not getting the hoes like art dudes are. i love my angry 12 year old student though he never speaks about his anger anymore, he just quietly and politely angry. he though i never asked explicitly dont belive there is a way to collaborate with people, only family. even my close friends - who are they? my girl friends are gone over the world, my guy friends like to suck each other dicks and to circle jerk, i even became partialy a man to sit at the Table with them, when my girls flew war. I got lost. No man I know knows shit about loyalty. but most of all, that all this running around men, people made me forget how great it is to just draw and play by myself. i dont want to go outside anymore. my room is small and dark, i should just wait the cold out here. i can write some stories about people around, that way i will distance them far far away from me and hold on them forever4th of march
I want to push it all - i need to push all anger out before I write. First time I got angry today when I woke up - my window curtain roll got broken. I hate curtain rolls, I had many troubles with them in my another apartment. Jst curtains - I dont want even curtains, but I live only at second floor. I dont want so much stuff. Right now I live basically in a closet with my stuff. but its get warmer and soon it will get so warm that I could come back to my (windowless) art studio, spacious salon with a sofa! where i could breathe freely. And I know - the first thing I will do there - grab all the usless junk and stuff and throw it out.
Then, as I was repairing my curtain rolls my glasses kept falling and falling - I became vevn angrier as I remembered my ex not borrowing me money for a contact lenses - and my glasses are missing left part. I got so stupid this winter. I only posted online diary entries when I were in Vorohta, couple of years ago. Maybe I just need nature. I started to liten insects and birds recordings, instead of music.
9 of june
I did an experiment and cut off my social circle as much as possible. Anger take overs I suffer now rarely (sic). Don't want to look on down to earth, wanna look high in the sky. Feling crazy to take my authonomy back, not looking down. I feel evilish and when I'm not feeling criminal, I dream because people around me aren't not looking real. I cut off corrupted part of my body and it was my friend and I'm feeling emptynes. Want to don`t know many and much. As present for cutting myself out I got dream flashes remembrances a lot and it's scares me but I like it. I miss some people who not close to me now. i will go see my old friend in a day.I'm not anticipating my journey, I dread coming back home. I want to see one face every day to eat meat with bare hands with one who doesnt feel shame and says to me "don't be useful". I forget, sailing on a boat but peoples bodies so near with my mind so far away. its like school again, i anticipate adrenaline that goes with it and i will even forget my anger. I feel less of a sadnes, more of a surprise. So much less noise, still a lot.
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